THIS is what happen when I think! Hubby's Story?

I've had several folks tell me that I needed to tell yall about my hubby. Well, not as much about him, as about how he came to be the Spiritual Head of our home. So now seems like as good a time as any!

I write like I talk so hang on!

Kiven and I started dating in August of 95. His mom, Brenda, belonged to a local Baptist church. She was there every Sunday and Wednesday, if I'm remembering correctly. It was really the first time I had ever seen someone that was a regular in church and liked it! I didn't grow up in church. She asked Kiven and I to go with her. We did! Truthfully, we only went to make her happy. I didn't feel comfortable, he didn't either, but she was happy. We loved her so THAT made us happy. I know that woman prayed for us, laying us at the Feet of Jesus all the time! God love her! (Thank you!)

We got married on Valentine's Day of 1996. By this time we had stopped going to church. We weren't bad people or trying to bust hell wide open. We didn't feel like we were missing anything. We liked the life we had and church didn't fit into that. That was until Elizabeth died (Elizabeth's Story). When she died, I needed answers. So, I went looking for them. Kiven came along for the ride. I thought that a pastor/preacher would probably be the go-to-guy to get me the answers I was looking for. So, I started my search at the church that Hubby grew up in. Honestly, I learned nothing, but the preacher did lead me to Christ! Kiven, not so much. We fell out of church again. I was discouraged by not getting the answers I needed. I was giving up. Kiven and others tried to encourage me, but it was of little comfort. They did try though!

A little boy named Jonathan came by our house one day with a flyer for a local church. Long story short (maybe), we went that Sunday. I loved the way I felt when I was greeted so I was sold! Hubby not so much. This church was a non-denominational church. It was SO different from EVERYTHING he grew up believing. Since I wasn't raised in church, I had no preconceived notions about anything. Hubby decided that he didn't want to go back. That broke my heart because I knew that I would be able to find some answers there! Kiven wanted me to get the answers I was looking for so he didn't say that I couldn't go. He supported me. He just wasn't ready for "all that" yet.

The more I learned, the more I wanted a Spiritual Head for our home, and being a married woman, it wouldn't be me. I needed my husband to step up. More than I needed him to, I WANTED him to. I was getting blessed learning and growing in my faith. I wanted that for Kiven. I asked him several times why he didn't go. His answer was always the same, "I just don't want to." In my frustration, I asked my then pastor how I could make him come. He, matter of factly, told me that I couldn't! I was a little shocked, but he gave me some advice on what I COULD do. God's Word says, "Let your requests be known unto God," Philippians 4:6. It also says, "You have not because you ask not, and when you ask, you ask amiss," James 4:2-3. He reminded me of these scriptures and told me that I just needed to ask and believe God for Kiven.

After Kiven went to bed that night, I laid my hands on him and prayed! I reminded God of what He said in His Word. I asked him for Kiven to line up with His Word and be the "Spiritual head of our home, in church every time the doors were open, saved, sold out and serving Him and leading our family. Loving me like Christ loved the church." When I was done, I thanked him for just that! From then on, I didn't nag Kiven about going, but every night when he went to bed, I laid my hands on him again, and just continually thanked God for just what I asked him for! Kiven didn't line up immediately but I wasn't moved. Every time I was at church, I placed my bible in the seat next to me. I decreed, according to Job 22:28, that my husband sat next to me in every service. Did I look like a fool? Probably! Especially when someone would ask to sit there and I told them that it was my husband's seat and in the natural, he wasn't sitting there. I wasn't moved! That WAS Kiven's seat and IF I believed what God said, I'd walk by faith, not what I could see.

Trying to make this short. "Bloggers" say that yall like a quick read. I'm trying! LOL!

Over time, Kiven softened to the idea of going to church with me. He came when WE dedicated Brayden. He came to support me when I was baptized. He noticed what a peace I was experiencing by growing in my RELATIONSHIP with my Father. Scott Everett, my then pastor, told me that I and God would win Kiven by MY walk with Christ. That is EXACTLY what happened! God won Kiven over by changing me. Scott told me to be the Proverbs 31 wife that I was called to be, and God would do the rest. He did! He showed UP and OUT!

It took 10 months for Kiven to line up with the Word of God that I spoke over him, but praise God, he did! God IS faithful! Kiven IS the Spiritual Head of our home! He is in church EVERY TIME the door is opened and then some. He is STILL saved, sold out and SERVING God, and our church! Kiven leads our family according the the Word of God! We got everything we asked for, and then some! I love you, more!

God has since planted us at another church, but I won't ever forget those elementary teachings! Because of those teachings, Kiven is leading our family with a Spiritual Authority that I knew was always in him! I honor him with all that I have in me! I'm SO proud of him and the works that God does through him!

To God be the Glory!

Little Girl, Little Girl...

That is what I call her sometimes when she is just about TOO much.... Emma, that is. You know, God is a "too much" kind of God. Well, we truly got "too much" with this little girl! She is everything and MORE than we asked Him for. He knew all that we had been through with Elizabeth ( Elizabeth's story) and Brayden ( Brayden's story ) and I like to think that He was "making up" for all of that by sending us this precious princess... 

Emma's Story

Where do I begin? At the beginning, I guess. We were told, after Brayden was born, NOT to try to have any more children. Kiven was told that I could die if I tried to carry another baby. I miscarried my first pregnancy, infertility, surgeries, bp issues, blood sugar issues, premature delivery with Elizabeth and then her death. We struggled to get pregnant with Brayden too, another surgery.. yada yada yada... Kiven was rightfully afraid! My doctor told him that we were "lucky" that we had Brayden and we should just stop there if he didn't want to bury me and any baby that we MIGHT get pregnant with. But, I had gotten ahold of the Word of God that said that I could have whatever I asked for IF I just believed it! Mark 11:24 says, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I was a baby Christian so I just dared to believe that it was true! Kiven wasn't there yet though. I didn't try and change his mind. I left him to God. I knew God would work on him. My doctor still said that he strongly advised against another baby BUT he would send us to Kirkland Clinic to see the same high risk specialist that saw us throughout my pregnancy with Brayden. He said, "We WILL do what Dr. Davis says!" He believed that Dr. Davis would line up on his side of the great baby debate.  Kiven took the same stance as Dr. B did, we'll do what Dr. Davis says. Kiven is the head of our house so I knew that I would have to line up too, IF Dr. Davis shot me down. I wasn't moved though. I had just enough Word in me to believe that God knew the desires of my heart of hearts, and that He wouldn't let me down. I mean, ALL I wanted was another baby girl.. Dresses, bows and all that girly stuff that I didn't get with Elizabeth. The only dress that she wore was the one she was buried in. It wasn't fair! I just trusted God! I had to!

We went in early October to see Dr. Davis, second week actually. I took ALL of my records from my other pregnancies with us. Dr. Davis had all of his from our visits from when I was pregnant with Brayden. Bless his heart! He looked over EVERYTHING! He didn't talk very much while reading. I remember it was deathly quiet in there. I could see the concern on Kiven's face but I didn't have it. I KNEW that God would come through for me! I just knew it! When Dr. Davis looked up from all the files, he spoke the sentence that changed our lives forever... "I see NO reason why you shouldn't have another baby!" THAT was ALL I needed! God DID come through!! Thank you, Father!! We weren't even in the car before I was on the phone with Dr. B. I told him what was said and he wasn't happy but I reminded him that HE said that we would do what Dr. Davis said so we were having another baby! Kiven, I could tell, was still scared but I had NONE! NO FEAR!

It took Kiven a couple of weeks to get his brain around the fact that this was going to happen. I think all he could really think about was all that we had been through and all it took to get pregnant the other times but he was coming around to what the Word has to say. It speaks clearly! Our, then, pastor prayed over us, and believed with us but I knew that it would take US, as a family, to stand together and go to God for what we wanted. God likes for you to be specific about your wants. He also says to remind Him of His Word. So that is what we did. On or about the 27/28th of October, Kiven, myself and Brayden prayed together! We told God how much we loved Him and how we knew how much He loves us. We reminded Him that He had given Hannah a man child just because she asked Him for one. We reminded him that he doesn't play favorites, he didn't love Hannah more than He does us. We remind Him that His Own Word in Mark 11:24 says that if we asked and believed we received WHEN we prayed, that we would have what we asked Him for and that He also said in Matthew 18:19 that if we agreed here on earth, asking ANYTHING, that He would do it! We told him that we wanted a "healthy baby girl, better pregnancy then the other three, we wanted to go FULL term, no early deliveries this time and of course, and EASY delivery!" After that would just loved on Him some more. Then we THANKED Him! He said that if we believed we received it WHEN we prayed then we would have it so it was only right to thank Him for her! We BELIEVED that we received this precious baby girl RIGHT THEN! We continued to thank Him for her daily! Every time we thought about her, we thanked Him for her! It was on October 31st that we got pregnant! First real attempt! No surgery! No meds! No trying for 19 months to three years! Just prayer! Miracle number one! 

Man, I need to bring this to a close! LOL! Long story shorter... We kept thanking God for her, daily. By the time I was four weeks and two days, she had her first name, Emma. We asked our then pastor to give her a middle name. He was responsible for teaching us that God is faithful after all! I wouldn't have dared to believe if he hadn't taught me so well. I told him to just pray about it because it was a HUGE responsibility! He didn't have to even pray, God spoke immediately! Her middle name was to be and is Faith.. Our little Emma Faith, I'll just tell you that we got everything we asked for and MORE!! Easy pregnancy, oh so easy! No issues with my heath at all! I carried her 38 weeks and two days. A week and two days longer than Dr. B had said he would allow me to. And Emma Faith delivered herself under the watchful eyes of Kiven and our fabulous friend, Tabitha Murray! Dr. B JUST made it in in time to "catch" her and cry with us. Emma Faith and EVERYTHING about her and my pregnancy is a miracle. This little girl shouldn't be here! The devil didn't want me to have her.. He's a liar and a thief, but we, through God, WON! God has big plans for this little girl! I just know it!

Emma is now a beautiful, smart, kind, caring, loving, compassionate, giving... well, you get the picture... She is EVERYTHING and SO much more that we ever asked God for! I don't even have enough words to express my love for this little girl! Just telling you that I love her with my whole heart just doesn't seem to be enough!

We are so thankful that God is a FAITHFUL God and that He chose US to be her parents! We pray that we are raising her in a way that honors Him!

Please know that Emma Faith has never been and will never be a replacement for Elizabeth! Elizabeth is still a part of everything that we do. Emma LOVES her sister and knows that she WILL see her again some sweet day!

Thank you for allowing me to share our miracle with you!
Just always remember...
"Let God be true, and every human being a liar." Romans 3:4

To God be the Glory!!

Wow! It's been a minute!

Hey, Yall! I haven't been here in a minute, have I? Well, I have learned something new about blogging! There is such a thing as "Silent Wednesday!" Apparently bloggers post only a photo on Wednesdays. I think I can manage that today!
SO here it goes... In honor is Brayden's 11th birthday, tomorrow ; )

To GOD be the glory!

A Boy.. A tiny baby boy...

I have written about Elizabeth. I have written about my Daddy. I am now gonna write about a boy. A little baby boy, the little baby boy that saved my life.

After Elizabeth died I wasn't sure if we would be able to have another baby, physically or emotionally. Deep down I was afraid to have another baby. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love another baby. I was clinically depressed and had thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't have gone through with it but I did think about it. The pain of Elizabeth's death was just so great and so overwhelming at times... Still is sometimes, even 11 years later.

A boy...
I knew that God created me to be a mother! Elizabeth made me a mother but she wasn't here for me TO mother. We decided to try again. After another, surgery we got pregnant. My pregnancy was a great one. But we knew that the worst could and did happen so we walked on egg shells for a bit. I didn't have a relationship with God but started to believe that He wouldn't allow to go through the death of another baby again. I started to enjoy being pregnant again.  But deep down I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love this baby growing inside me. I loved this baby but I mean REALLY love this baby.. the way I did Elizabeth. I felt guilty for being afraid. This baby was going to need me and the longer I carried him the more I realized that I needed him! Things shifted for me when we had our first ultrasound at Kirkland Clinic. We saw his face.. his beautiful face. My heart smiled! I was in love.. All fear was gone. A new day had come!

Brayden James Massey was born on October 18, 2001. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen! He looked so much like his daddy that nurses came from other floors just to look at him. My OB cried the whole time he delivered him. He remembered, as we did, all that we had been through up to this point. Brayden spent his first 15 hours under an oxygen hood. It was scary too but we knew that our pediatrician would do her best to keep in there and not send him to another hospital. It worked! 15 hours after his birth, he was in our arms. I remember being overwhelmed with love, happiness, joy unspeakable, sadness, anger, grief and so many other things. I missed this chance with Elizabeth but I knew that she played a part in sending this perfect boy to us! He needed me and I needed him. Celine Dion said (sang) it best in her song, A New Day Has Come . This song is MY song.. EVERY word!!

I love you Brayden James Massey! I am so grateful that God chose ME to be YOUR Mommy! I would be nothing without you! God blessed me REAL big with you! Thank you Father!

To God be the Glory!

*Coming soon is Emma's story. Wouldn't want to leave our Princess out. TRULY Heaven sent!*

She made me a momma but would never CALL me "Momma."

When Elizabeth died every hope and dream we had for her died with her. This is not how it was supposed to be! She was supposed to grow up, go to college, get married, have children of her own AND call me "Momma." Now none of this was going to happen. I felt cheated. Ripped off! It just wasn't fair. She made me a momma but would never CALL me "Momma."

I didn't have a relationship with God back then. I felt as though he didn't even care about me at all! But I "prayed" and "prayed." I put it in quotes because I have never been one to do the "Oh holier than thou" type prayer. I just talk to Him, like I talk to everyone else. Anywho, I told God how betrayed I felt. I told Him that I felt as if He just didn't care at all about me or my pain. He certainly didn't care about badly I NEEDED to hear her call me "Momma!"

A while after my "come to Jesus meeting" with God, I went to bed like always, grieving but not "praying." I don't remember going to sleep but apparently I did. I had a dream that wasn't really a dream. It was REAL. I was walking down a long narrow hallway. It was bright. My mother was with me. As we walked I could hear laughter and chattering. It was a little girl. She sounded so familiar. I knew her!! I walked faster. There was an open door at the very end of the hallway. It seemed like to took forever to get there. I could still hear the little girl laughing and talking. When we reached the door, I saw HER! She saw me too! She was standing with a woman that I didn't know. Elizabeth yelled, "Momma" and ran into my arms! I could FEEL her! I could SMELL her! I could HEAR her call me what I had LONGED to hear.. "Momma!" I sat, with her in my arms, on a long sofa that was in this totally white and well lit room. The woman was still there. I still don't know who she was and it doesn't even matter.. She brought Elizabeth to me! I remember hearing my mother ask to hold her. I told her no "because I never wanted to let her go again!" I regret that now. Forgive me Momma. I held Elizabeth for a long time before the woman came to get her. I wasn't sad to let her go this time. I'm not sure why though. I felt at peace for the first time since her death. She called me "Momma!"

Ya know, God did care! He heard my cries! He heard and felt my pain. Most of all, he heard my "prayer!" I didn't know that there was a scripture about getting my hearts desire but there is. Psalm 37:4 says, Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. I'll be honest and tell you that I didn't do much "delighting" in Him back them. But He stirred the pools and I fell in! I am so very grateful! He gave me what I needed even though I didn't deserve it. He is RICH in grace and mercy! I have never forgotten what He did for me!

To God be the glory!
Always Elizabeth's Momma

I have a point! Promise!

I was just on facebook when I noticed that Compassionate Friends, a page that I "like," posted a little something for parents of stillborns, miscarried babies and the like. I went to look at some of the replies. As I did I felt overwhelming guilt for a minute. I flashed back to a time in our local support group, Love Forever & Always*. I remembered that we had a "Show and Tell" night. Sounds strange to you but for us it was/is completely normal. Families were encouraged to bring what they had from their baby's life, blankets, pictures, positive pregnancy test... You get the picture. I was pretty excited but sad too. Elizabeth only lived for nine days so I didn't have much.. Or so I thought. It was Monday night and our turn to "share." I was a little nervous. This was all I had... a box full of stuff.. No baby to show for it, just stuff... I talked about the things in my box, a blanket that still has her blood on it, the outfit that she wore to the funeral home and a little cassette tape that has a recording of her heart beat on it. We had/have many other things too. When done, I felt proud. Then another mother began to "share" her stuff... She didn't have much.. a positive pregnancy test.. GUILT set in.. Her baby died before ever even having a chance to really live... I have miscarried a baby before too. I remember that pain so my heart hurt for her, still does... I felt so guilty.. I thought that I had so little but yet I had/have SO much! God had given me so much.. I had the chance to hold Elizabeth, feel her heart beat on my own chest, I heard her cry, I watched her sleep.. I had/have SO much.. My heart hurts for the mothers that I know personally that never had the opportunity that I did to hold their babies, smell them, touch their tiny toes...

POINT.. See, I have one!
As I sit here today, after reading that post, the guilt tried to come again.. But God, don't you just love that.. BUT GOD, reminded me through His Word that we have the opportunity to see our babies again.. We can have eternal life (Romans 6:23) with our babies in Heaven.. We can have all the hugs, kisses, touches, smells and all that stuff that we didn't get here in this lifetime! It's real easy to choose eternal life with your baby! 1st John 1:19 will get you there! That's just the beginning of your journey to seeing that sweet face again! Reunion is on the way!

Oh and I have decided to not to let the devil guilt me any longer! Don't let him guilt you either! When you think about it.. You got more than some other woman had.. Some never even had the positive pregnancy test.. There is ALWAYS someone with less then you have.. No more guilt devil.. YOU have been put on notice!

To God be the Glory!
Amen!

*Love Forever & Always and it's founders, Bob and Tabitha Murray lost their first born son, Austin Ryan Murray, at the ripe ole age of 10 days. They founded this group out of their love for him and their desire to help others through the pain that they knew/know all too well. They were pivotal in helping to save my life! I am ETERNALLY grateful for ALL that they have done for me and my family! We are Forever & Always connected! Thanks Austin!

Happy birthday Daddy!

Today is my daddy's birthday! He was born December 13, 1937, 73 years ago. Yall have no idea what a big deal this birthday really is. God really showed out for him 19 months ago. You see my daddy wasn't supposed to live too long past Christmas of 2008. He had a massive heart attack in 1990. He has been been dealing with the after effects of that since. Tons of meds, 9 heart stints ( added over a  number of years), an angioplasty and a pacemaker/defibrillator. Over the past maybe six years he has had many other issues too. He is diabetic and has had some kidney damage as a result. I'm sure that I am forgetting other things because there is a laundry list... Oh and he stayed in constant atrial fib! His pacemaker/defibrillator has shocked him several times. He had gotten so bad that all he could do was go from the bed to the sofa. He was miserable!! We were miserable FOR him... He had always been an active man. Never minded shopping and loved working in the yard. It was really hard to see him this way. Knowing that his quality of life was not good was heart breaking. Oh and he was a fairly newlywed! Long story short, his docs said that there was really nothing else they would do for him. They offered Hospice more than once. They also offered to put him in touch with people to get one of those motorized chairs! THAT is NOT my Daddy!! He refused that with a quickness. He also wasn't ready for for Hospice. He wasn't ready to lay down and die! THAT IS my Daddy!! He is a fighter!! His cardiologist told him that the only thing she could do for him was send him to Kirkland Clinic in Birmingham to see a set of docs up here in the hopes that they knew something that she didn't. Can you say, "PRAISE GOD!?" This trip to Kirkland Clinic was the beginning of the rest of his life! My brother and I met them there on the day of the appointment to be a support system. Oh my! I don't think that I was prepared for what these doctors had to say or what my Daddy had to say either. There has been talk of some "sock" thing that they might could put over his heart to help the enlarging but we quickly found out that this was not an option for him. Nor was transplant. He was too "old" for it. The doc told him that he wasn't sure if there was an option for him. The "big" doc came in with a different story. When Dr. Salpy Pamboukian came in, I remember her asking Daddy what would happen if he was not a candidate for this un-FDA approved procedure. I will never forget his words! "I will die within three months! I can't live any longer like this." I felt my own heart stop with these words. You see, I love this man more than life itself! He is a HUGE GIANT part of my life and I wouldn't know what to do without him! This UN FDA approved procedure is called Implantation of Left Ventricular Assist Device or LVAD for short. This requires the chest to be opened up and this device implanted into his body to, for lack of a better explanation, by pass the left side of his heart all together and it runs on batteries. He would be required to live on batteries for the rest of his life! Oh and the surgery was MAJOR surgery and he wasn't even strong enough for it! I stayed on my face before my Heavenly Father! Psalm 118:17 ,He WILL live and NOT die and declare what the LORD has done, was what I confessed all the time!! I reminded God that HE said that He would hasten HIS Word to perform it. I KNEW that God couldn't lie! I trusted Him. I believed him. There was a lot that had to happen to see if Daddy was even a "good" candidate for this surgery. Once approved, they admitted him to UAB to get him ready for it. This took days!! Oh my word! Was it ever going to happen!? THIS was his last and ONLY chance to live but yet they reminded us that he could die before of during surgery.. THE DEVIL IS A LIE! That wasn't what MY God said so I didn't receive that report! Oh gosh was it hard at times... Surgery.. I was so not ready for this! He was! It was this or die and he wasn't ready to give up and die! Surgery went EXTREMELY well! Docs were shocked and surprised. I wasn't. My God isn't a liar! He is FAITHFUL! I wasn't prepared to see his after though. They told us there would be many machines, tubes, wires and he would be on life support... This is what I saw upon entering the unit...

I was never prepared to see my daddy like this! I only post it so that you can SEE how very far God has brought him. I prayed over this man before, during and still to this day. God hears my prayers and He honors them. I decreed that my Daddy WOULD live and NOT die and declare what God did for him! God is SO good! Today, 19 months later, it is his 73rd birthday. When I talked to him earlier he was getting ready to go to the Y to work out. This man that was supposed to be dead works out at least twice a week, most of the time three time though. He is in better health now that before the surgery. He is a walking, talking, living, breathing, working out MIRACLE! One of his doctors that he really doesn't even need to see anymore still schedules appointments for him. They loved to see him because he IS a miracle! There is NO other reason that he should be alive except God performed a miracle! He honored His word! Praise God!

Do you need a miracle? It's possible! God is not a man that he can lie or the son of man that he should repent (Nums 23:19). If He said anything, He'll do it! It isn't up to Him and what he CAN do! It IS up to us and what we can believe that He WILL do! I BELIEVED that he would perform a miracle and He did! What do you believe? Remember that faith is nothing more that just believing that God WILL do what He said He would. Oh and fear.... can't have it... Fear is faith in reverse.. If you need a miracle, repent (1st John 1:9), love on Him (Proverbs 8:17), ask and believe Him for what you need (Mark 11:24) and have someone "hook up" with you believing in agreement (Matt. 18:19). And it will be done. Don't waiver. Stand your ground! A double minded man won't receive... BELIEVE that it IS done! I did!

To God be the GLORY!!

Happy birthday my sweet Daddy!

I love you most!!

Praise God!

The procedure that Daddy had has now been approved by the FDA! Praise the Lord! More families with have more years with their loved ones! Here are some links to read more in detail about the LVAD. It was originally for transplant patients.

http://www.debakeydepartmentofsurgery.org/home/content.cfm?proc_name=Implantation+of+Left+Ventricular+Assist+Device&content_id=274

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LVAD

http://www.chfpatients.com/implants/lvads.htm