After Elizabeth died I wasn't sure if we would be able to have another baby, physically or emotionally. Deep down I was afraid to have another baby. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love another baby. I was clinically depressed and had thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't have gone through with it but I did think about it. The pain of Elizabeth's death was just so great and so overwhelming at times... Still is sometimes, even 11 years later.
A boy...
I knew that God created me to be a mother! Elizabeth made me a mother but she wasn't here for me TO mother. We decided to try again. After another, surgery we got pregnant. My pregnancy was a great one. But we knew that the worst could and did happen so we walked on egg shells for a bit. I didn't have a relationship with God but started to believe that He wouldn't allow to go through the death of another baby again. I started to enjoy being pregnant again. But deep down I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love this baby growing inside me. I loved this baby but I mean REALLY love this baby.. the way I did Elizabeth. I felt guilty for being afraid. This baby was going to need me and the longer I carried him the more I realized that I needed him! Things shifted for me when we had our first ultrasound at Kirkland Clinic. We saw his face.. his beautiful face. My heart smiled! I was in love.. All fear was gone. A new day had come!
Brayden James Massey was born on October 18, 2001. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen! He looked so much like his daddy that nurses came from other floors just to look at him. My OB cried the whole time he delivered him. He remembered, as we did, all that we had been through up to this point. Brayden spent his first 15 hours under an oxygen hood. It was scary too but we knew that our pediatrician would do her best to keep in there and not send him to another hospital. It worked! 15 hours after his birth, he was in our arms. I remember being overwhelmed with love, happiness, joy unspeakable, sadness, anger, grief and so many other things. I missed this chance with Elizabeth but I knew that she played a part in sending this perfect boy to us! He needed me and I needed him. Celine Dion said (sang) it best in her song, A New Day Has Come . This song is MY song.. EVERY word!!
I love you Brayden James Massey! I am so grateful that God chose ME to be YOUR Mommy! I would be nothing without you! God blessed me REAL big with you! Thank you Father!
To God be the Glory!
*Coming soon is Emma's story. Wouldn't want to leave our Princess out. TRULY Heaven sent!*
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