A Boy.. A tiny baby boy...

I have written about Elizabeth. I have written about my Daddy. I am now gonna write about a boy. A little baby boy, the little baby boy that saved my life.

After Elizabeth died I wasn't sure if we would be able to have another baby, physically or emotionally. Deep down I was afraid to have another baby. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love another baby. I was clinically depressed and had thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't have gone through with it but I did think about it. The pain of Elizabeth's death was just so great and so overwhelming at times... Still is sometimes, even 11 years later.

A boy...
I knew that God created me to be a mother! Elizabeth made me a mother but she wasn't here for me TO mother. We decided to try again. After another, surgery we got pregnant. My pregnancy was a great one. But we knew that the worst could and did happen so we walked on egg shells for a bit. I didn't have a relationship with God but started to believe that He wouldn't allow to go through the death of another baby again. I started to enjoy being pregnant again.  But deep down I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love this baby growing inside me. I loved this baby but I mean REALLY love this baby.. the way I did Elizabeth. I felt guilty for being afraid. This baby was going to need me and the longer I carried him the more I realized that I needed him! Things shifted for me when we had our first ultrasound at Kirkland Clinic. We saw his face.. his beautiful face. My heart smiled! I was in love.. All fear was gone. A new day had come!

Brayden James Massey was born on October 18, 2001. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen! He looked so much like his daddy that nurses came from other floors just to look at him. My OB cried the whole time he delivered him. He remembered, as we did, all that we had been through up to this point. Brayden spent his first 15 hours under an oxygen hood. It was scary too but we knew that our pediatrician would do her best to keep in there and not send him to another hospital. It worked! 15 hours after his birth, he was in our arms. I remember being overwhelmed with love, happiness, joy unspeakable, sadness, anger, grief and so many other things. I missed this chance with Elizabeth but I knew that she played a part in sending this perfect boy to us! He needed me and I needed him. Celine Dion said (sang) it best in her song, A New Day Has Come . This song is MY song.. EVERY word!!

I love you Brayden James Massey! I am so grateful that God chose ME to be YOUR Mommy! I would be nothing without you! God blessed me REAL big with you! Thank you Father!

To God be the Glory!

*Coming soon is Emma's story. Wouldn't want to leave our Princess out. TRULY Heaven sent!*

She made me a momma but would never CALL me "Momma."

When Elizabeth died every hope and dream we had for her died with her. This is not how it was supposed to be! She was supposed to grow up, go to college, get married, have children of her own AND call me "Momma." Now none of this was going to happen. I felt cheated. Ripped off! It just wasn't fair. She made me a momma but would never CALL me "Momma."

I didn't have a relationship with God back then. I felt as though he didn't even care about me at all! But I "prayed" and "prayed." I put it in quotes because I have never been one to do the "Oh holier than thou" type prayer. I just talk to Him, like I talk to everyone else. Anywho, I told God how betrayed I felt. I told Him that I felt as if He just didn't care at all about me or my pain. He certainly didn't care about badly I NEEDED to hear her call me "Momma!"

A while after my "come to Jesus meeting" with God, I went to bed like always, grieving but not "praying." I don't remember going to sleep but apparently I did. I had a dream that wasn't really a dream. It was REAL. I was walking down a long narrow hallway. It was bright. My mother was with me. As we walked I could hear laughter and chattering. It was a little girl. She sounded so familiar. I knew her!! I walked faster. There was an open door at the very end of the hallway. It seemed like to took forever to get there. I could still hear the little girl laughing and talking. When we reached the door, I saw HER! She saw me too! She was standing with a woman that I didn't know. Elizabeth yelled, "Momma" and ran into my arms! I could FEEL her! I could SMELL her! I could HEAR her call me what I had LONGED to hear.. "Momma!" I sat, with her in my arms, on a long sofa that was in this totally white and well lit room. The woman was still there. I still don't know who she was and it doesn't even matter.. She brought Elizabeth to me! I remember hearing my mother ask to hold her. I told her no "because I never wanted to let her go again!" I regret that now. Forgive me Momma. I held Elizabeth for a long time before the woman came to get her. I wasn't sad to let her go this time. I'm not sure why though. I felt at peace for the first time since her death. She called me "Momma!"

Ya know, God did care! He heard my cries! He heard and felt my pain. Most of all, he heard my "prayer!" I didn't know that there was a scripture about getting my hearts desire but there is. Psalm 37:4 says, Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. I'll be honest and tell you that I didn't do much "delighting" in Him back them. But He stirred the pools and I fell in! I am so very grateful! He gave me what I needed even though I didn't deserve it. He is RICH in grace and mercy! I have never forgotten what He did for me!

To God be the glory!
Always Elizabeth's Momma

I have a point! Promise!

I was just on facebook when I noticed that Compassionate Friends, a page that I "like," posted a little something for parents of stillborns, miscarried babies and the like. I went to look at some of the replies. As I did I felt overwhelming guilt for a minute. I flashed back to a time in our local support group, Love Forever & Always*. I remembered that we had a "Show and Tell" night. Sounds strange to you but for us it was/is completely normal. Families were encouraged to bring what they had from their baby's life, blankets, pictures, positive pregnancy test... You get the picture. I was pretty excited but sad too. Elizabeth only lived for nine days so I didn't have much.. Or so I thought. It was Monday night and our turn to "share." I was a little nervous. This was all I had... a box full of stuff.. No baby to show for it, just stuff... I talked about the things in my box, a blanket that still has her blood on it, the outfit that she wore to the funeral home and a little cassette tape that has a recording of her heart beat on it. We had/have many other things too. When done, I felt proud. Then another mother began to "share" her stuff... She didn't have much.. a positive pregnancy test.. GUILT set in.. Her baby died before ever even having a chance to really live... I have miscarried a baby before too. I remember that pain so my heart hurt for her, still does... I felt so guilty.. I thought that I had so little but yet I had/have SO much! God had given me so much.. I had the chance to hold Elizabeth, feel her heart beat on my own chest, I heard her cry, I watched her sleep.. I had/have SO much.. My heart hurts for the mothers that I know personally that never had the opportunity that I did to hold their babies, smell them, touch their tiny toes...

POINT.. See, I have one!
As I sit here today, after reading that post, the guilt tried to come again.. But God, don't you just love that.. BUT GOD, reminded me through His Word that we have the opportunity to see our babies again.. We can have eternal life (Romans 6:23) with our babies in Heaven.. We can have all the hugs, kisses, touches, smells and all that stuff that we didn't get here in this lifetime! It's real easy to choose eternal life with your baby! 1st John 1:19 will get you there! That's just the beginning of your journey to seeing that sweet face again! Reunion is on the way!

Oh and I have decided to not to let the devil guilt me any longer! Don't let him guilt you either! When you think about it.. You got more than some other woman had.. Some never even had the positive pregnancy test.. There is ALWAYS someone with less then you have.. No more guilt devil.. YOU have been put on notice!

To God be the Glory!
Amen!

*Love Forever & Always and it's founders, Bob and Tabitha Murray lost their first born son, Austin Ryan Murray, at the ripe ole age of 10 days. They founded this group out of their love for him and their desire to help others through the pain that they knew/know all too well. They were pivotal in helping to save my life! I am ETERNALLY grateful for ALL that they have done for me and my family! We are Forever & Always connected! Thanks Austin!

Happy birthday Daddy!

Today is my daddy's birthday! He was born December 13, 1937, 73 years ago. Yall have no idea what a big deal this birthday really is. God really showed out for him 19 months ago. You see my daddy wasn't supposed to live too long past Christmas of 2008. He had a massive heart attack in 1990. He has been been dealing with the after effects of that since. Tons of meds, 9 heart stints ( added over a  number of years), an angioplasty and a pacemaker/defibrillator. Over the past maybe six years he has had many other issues too. He is diabetic and has had some kidney damage as a result. I'm sure that I am forgetting other things because there is a laundry list... Oh and he stayed in constant atrial fib! His pacemaker/defibrillator has shocked him several times. He had gotten so bad that all he could do was go from the bed to the sofa. He was miserable!! We were miserable FOR him... He had always been an active man. Never minded shopping and loved working in the yard. It was really hard to see him this way. Knowing that his quality of life was not good was heart breaking. Oh and he was a fairly newlywed! Long story short, his docs said that there was really nothing else they would do for him. They offered Hospice more than once. They also offered to put him in touch with people to get one of those motorized chairs! THAT is NOT my Daddy!! He refused that with a quickness. He also wasn't ready for for Hospice. He wasn't ready to lay down and die! THAT IS my Daddy!! He is a fighter!! His cardiologist told him that the only thing she could do for him was send him to Kirkland Clinic in Birmingham to see a set of docs up here in the hopes that they knew something that she didn't. Can you say, "PRAISE GOD!?" This trip to Kirkland Clinic was the beginning of the rest of his life! My brother and I met them there on the day of the appointment to be a support system. Oh my! I don't think that I was prepared for what these doctors had to say or what my Daddy had to say either. There has been talk of some "sock" thing that they might could put over his heart to help the enlarging but we quickly found out that this was not an option for him. Nor was transplant. He was too "old" for it. The doc told him that he wasn't sure if there was an option for him. The "big" doc came in with a different story. When Dr. Salpy Pamboukian came in, I remember her asking Daddy what would happen if he was not a candidate for this un-FDA approved procedure. I will never forget his words! "I will die within three months! I can't live any longer like this." I felt my own heart stop with these words. You see, I love this man more than life itself! He is a HUGE GIANT part of my life and I wouldn't know what to do without him! This UN FDA approved procedure is called Implantation of Left Ventricular Assist Device or LVAD for short. This requires the chest to be opened up and this device implanted into his body to, for lack of a better explanation, by pass the left side of his heart all together and it runs on batteries. He would be required to live on batteries for the rest of his life! Oh and the surgery was MAJOR surgery and he wasn't even strong enough for it! I stayed on my face before my Heavenly Father! Psalm 118:17 ,He WILL live and NOT die and declare what the LORD has done, was what I confessed all the time!! I reminded God that HE said that He would hasten HIS Word to perform it. I KNEW that God couldn't lie! I trusted Him. I believed him. There was a lot that had to happen to see if Daddy was even a "good" candidate for this surgery. Once approved, they admitted him to UAB to get him ready for it. This took days!! Oh my word! Was it ever going to happen!? THIS was his last and ONLY chance to live but yet they reminded us that he could die before of during surgery.. THE DEVIL IS A LIE! That wasn't what MY God said so I didn't receive that report! Oh gosh was it hard at times... Surgery.. I was so not ready for this! He was! It was this or die and he wasn't ready to give up and die! Surgery went EXTREMELY well! Docs were shocked and surprised. I wasn't. My God isn't a liar! He is FAITHFUL! I wasn't prepared to see his after though. They told us there would be many machines, tubes, wires and he would be on life support... This is what I saw upon entering the unit...

I was never prepared to see my daddy like this! I only post it so that you can SEE how very far God has brought him. I prayed over this man before, during and still to this day. God hears my prayers and He honors them. I decreed that my Daddy WOULD live and NOT die and declare what God did for him! God is SO good! Today, 19 months later, it is his 73rd birthday. When I talked to him earlier he was getting ready to go to the Y to work out. This man that was supposed to be dead works out at least twice a week, most of the time three time though. He is in better health now that before the surgery. He is a walking, talking, living, breathing, working out MIRACLE! One of his doctors that he really doesn't even need to see anymore still schedules appointments for him. They loved to see him because he IS a miracle! There is NO other reason that he should be alive except God performed a miracle! He honored His word! Praise God!

Do you need a miracle? It's possible! God is not a man that he can lie or the son of man that he should repent (Nums 23:19). If He said anything, He'll do it! It isn't up to Him and what he CAN do! It IS up to us and what we can believe that He WILL do! I BELIEVED that he would perform a miracle and He did! What do you believe? Remember that faith is nothing more that just believing that God WILL do what He said He would. Oh and fear.... can't have it... Fear is faith in reverse.. If you need a miracle, repent (1st John 1:9), love on Him (Proverbs 8:17), ask and believe Him for what you need (Mark 11:24) and have someone "hook up" with you believing in agreement (Matt. 18:19). And it will be done. Don't waiver. Stand your ground! A double minded man won't receive... BELIEVE that it IS done! I did!

To God be the GLORY!!

Happy birthday my sweet Daddy!

I love you most!!

Praise God!

The procedure that Daddy had has now been approved by the FDA! Praise the Lord! More families with have more years with their loved ones! Here are some links to read more in detail about the LVAD. It was originally for transplant patients.

http://www.debakeydepartmentofsurgery.org/home/content.cfm?proc_name=Implantation+of+Left+Ventricular+Assist+Device&content_id=274

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LVAD

http://www.chfpatients.com/implants/lvads.htm

11 Years Ago

I guess that I'm not very good at this "blogging" thing. I always have so much to say but when I sit down to "say" it.. well... Anywho...

With Elizabeth's birthday being tomorrow I have been thinking about where I was this time 11 years ago. I was pregnant. We had no proof from docs that she was a girl but my heart knew. We were so excited. My due date was Dec. 19th. We still hadn't gotten her room ready. I am at my best when I wait until the last minute or so I like to tell myself. I mean we still had five weeks left. My pregnancy was normal so we had no worries. I was just enjoying growing arms and legs! Kiven enjoyed it too. Every morning before he left for work he would kiss my belly and tell us that he loved us. A great daddy from the get go! He left for work that morning like he always did. I mean this day wasn't going to be any different than any other. We had a scheduled OB appointment that afternoon but that was it. We we also excited about our child birth class that night. My day was pretty uneventful. I got ready for our OB appointment and headed over. Kiven met me there. He never missed one, not one! All was good except my BP was way high. Dr. B was a little concerned so he had me lay on my left side for half an hour. My BP came down after I laid there for more than half an hour so he allowed us to leave. It was late so we decided to go and get a bite to eat before coming back over for our child birth class. Dinner was good and I felt fine. We just made it over to the hospital when Kiven got a call. I headed on in thinking that I need to go to the little momma's room.... and it happened.... Long story (already told in another post).. Kiven and I became parents to Elizabeth Loren-Bea Massey at 1:40AM on November 17, 1999. Our precious precious baby girl. She left in the arms of angels on November 26, 1999. She is forever loved and missed. Not a day goes by that we don't think of her. Glory be to God!

              Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. James 1:17

I am so grateful to God for allowing us the time that we had with our baby girl. She changed me for the better. I owe her my life! I wouldn't be who I am today if now for her. Can't wait to see you again!

To God be the glory!

I was just thinking..

I just posted on my facebook page, "How do you know that the devil is lying? If his mouth is moving he is telling a lie! I know some people like that!" It really made me think. Some folks don't even know HOW the devil "lies" to us. In John 8:44 Jesus said it! "When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it." He speaks to us, not in an audible voice, but through circumstances. When I got out of bed this morning he lied to me! He told me that I was "sick" because of symptoms in my body that he put there! It's a lie. God said that I have been redeemed (Galatians 3:13) from sickness. Jesus took it to the cross over 2000 years ago. I immediately have to remind the devil of that by opening my mouth and saying so. We HAVE to put him in his place or he'll just go nuts with his lies. A little earlier this morning I was watching TBN. They are doing a Praise-A-Thon. It has been an awesome few days! Even when I was gettin' my Word on, he opened his mouth again! He reminded me that we have needs that need to be met by a certain time and that time is getting close. Ticked me off!! I had to remind him that the God I serve and HONOR with the FIRST fruits of ALL of our income is NOT a liar! God said that if we tithed that HE would open the windows of Heaven and pour me out a blessing so big that I will NOT have room enough to receive it all! He also said that HE would meet all of our needs according to HIS riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). Again, I had to say this out of my mouth. Now, I sit here about to go get my babies from school and it's raining! I feel him try once again but I cut him off before he even gets started... A hedge of protection surrounds me because I abide under the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 91)!

We have to realized that each and every bad thought that comes to us doesn't come from God. It is the devil speaking to us! IT ISN'T GOD! If something is trying to steal from you, kill you or destroy you (John 10:10), it IS from the devil. BUT! BUT Jesus came so that we might have life and have it more abundantly (Also in John 10:10)! Remember that the next time the devil opens his mouth! Call him what he is, a liar! Call on Jesus... HE has you back!! Speak the Word and the Word only when the devil starts talking!

To God be the glory!

I forgave God! And He forgave me!

Everyone says that we aren't supposed to question God and the choices that He makes but I had a real problem with that. Here I was the mother of a dead baby! How "fair" was that!? I was angry!

Can I just be real with you for a few minutes? Thanks! When Elizabeth died, people said some really stupid things. Maybe next time I'll post a list of things you never say to someone who has lost a child. Mind you that I was "un"churched about the things of God. People told us that, "God just needed another flower for His garden." I thought, "What the heck. Let Him make some, don't take mine!" We had people tell us. "God needed another angel and He only takes the best!" REALLY!? I had been told that Heaven was FULL of angel so just WHY did He take mine! Good grief, he had PLENTY! Why MINE!? Oh and some people told us, "You're young, you can have more children!" I thought, "Ya think? You don't know what we went through to have HER!" Everyone was telling us that "God took her" for this reason or that reason. As I sat with my grief I got mad. I thought that God was supposed to LOVE me and you don't TAKE from people you love. I didn't know God very well and frankly, I didn't really want to know Him. He took the daughter that Kiven and I wanted more than we wanted to take our next breath! How could I get to know someone that I didn't even like? How could I forgive him for taking our first born daughter!? I sucked it up and went in search of the answers that ALL bereaved parents want, WHY?

As I lay on my sofa one day thinking of a way to get away from the pain of grief and the ignorance of stupid people, I thought about suicide.. I knew that if I took enough of the pills that I had been given I would just go to sleep and not have to deal anymore... As I thought about it, I HEARD the audible voice of God say, "Do you want to see her again?" I looked around knowing that hubby was at work but knowing that I HEARD a voice! Since the voice was audible, I answered out loud, "Yes." He then said, "This is not the way. Jesus is the only way." That's where my real journey began....

Hubby and I started looking for a "home" church after Elizabeth died. Since we are being honest, I wasn't looking for God. It was answers I wanted; WHY! We visited a big church in our area and it just wasn't for us. It felt very impersonal so we didn't go very many times. We thought we'd try the church that hubby was raised in. I thought that THIS would be were I would find "it!" The people were really nice! I liked it there, in the beginning. There were even two more women that had lost babies so I felt somewhat understood. They were a lot further along in their grief so their anger was long gone. Mine was still fresh and sitting right on the surface. I didn't feel like I was getting the answers that I wanted during the service so I made an appointment to meet with the preacher in his office. He was very nice but seemed to be avoiding my questions by the end of the meeting I still had no answers but I had made a profession of faith and received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I was still mad at God though and still had NO answers! Now my anger and unforgiveness was starting to "convict" me. We didn't stay at this church much longer. I just wasn't getting "it." We didn't go for a couple of years so I still sat with my anger.

A little neighbor boy knocked on my door one day and gave me a flyer that was advertising a church doing a "sidewalk giveaway." It peaked my interest because nobody GIVES anything away. There is always a catch. So I called! The pastor himself answered the phone. That impressed me. The other preachers that we had encountered were way too good to "lower" themselves enough to answer their own church phone. They paid people to do that. Well, I asked about what was going on and he told me. He talked to me for about 20 mins and invited us to church. I let him know that I had some things that they were welcome to, if they wanted. He said sure so hubby took them down. They talked too. We visited that Sunday. I KNEW that THIS was the place that I WOULD get ALL of my questions answered!! This Pastor was TEACHING me. He wasn't preaching to or at me. Pastor was teaching me SO much  my head was spinning! He was teaching me about God and how much he LOVES me. How could that be? He TOOK my daughter! WHY would he do that to me? He knew how much it would hurt! He had given His son. He made a choice to give His though, I didn't. In these teaching I also learned that God CAN do all things! I learned that the devil comes to steal, KILL and destroy! Dang it! The devil was the one that responsible for Elizabeth's death not God! I came to realization that God DID love me and that's WHY He gave His son. He gave Him, the sacrificial lamb, so that I could receive forgiveness for all the sins that I had committed and was going to commit throughout my lifetime. He sent His only Son (Jesus, the sacrificial lamb) for me so I didn't have to die and go to Hell. Man, if that isn't love, I'm not sure what is. Forgiveness is a huge word, powerful too. Here are a few definitions for it just so you know.. Forgive means to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) and to give up resentment of or claim to requital for. I had been feeling resentment toward God for "taking" my baby girl!

After I talked with a precious man (Bill Compton, giving credit where credit is due.) one day while doing our church's bus ministry, I realized that I was busy blaming God for what happened to Elizabeth instead of being thankful! Bill is a man, precious as he is, still a man. Not a momma. He started telling me about 9/11 and how God stopped people from going in to work and all the planes that God kept on the ground and all this other stuff that God intervened and DID stop! Then it hit me! God had ALLOWED Elizabeth to die! He could have stopped it! OMW! I realized that I had a whole new WHY now! No he did not TAKE her but he had allowed it! WHY? This question ran around in my head like crazy! Then one day, out of nowhere, I figured it out! I KNEW WHY!!! He LOVES me! That's WHY! Crazy as it sounds, it's true! He loves me! See, He sent HIS son to save us ALL but hubby and I weren't "lining" up. We weren't bad people but we weren't serving Him either. I don't ever remember confessing Jesus Christ. Hubby had as a child. I'm sure that we were on track to bust Hell wide open. The scripture says that you must believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus IS the son God.( Romans 10:9-10 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.) Hear what I'm sayin and not what I'm sayin (thanks Pastor). God sent Jesus (the Lamb of God) for us all but Kiven and I still weren't under the blood of Christ. Truthfully, we weren't even headed that direction. He gave Elizabeth to us knowing that she was going to die. Just as He did when he sent Jesus. Jesus was sent to "do a job" so to say. It was His responsibility to save the us. Kiven and I "missed the boat." I believe with all that I am that God sent Elizabeth (OUR sacrificial lamb) and allowed her to die to SAVE me and Kiven! Had she not died I never would have had to question WHY! It was THEN that I told God that I was so sorry for all the years of blaming Him! It was THEN that I asked Him to forgive me for it! It was THEN that I told Him that I forgive Him! I forgave God for allowing Elizabeth to die! It was THEN that I came to know peace.. THE peace that passes ALL understanding! (Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.)

Please know that I have since come to know that the people that said "stupid stuff" said it out of love, compassion and grief of their own. I have forgiven them too. They meant well and just didn't know whatelse to say. Just know that when you encounter ANYONE that has lost a loved one, no matter what the relation, "I'm sorry for your loss" is enough!

To God be ALL the glory for ANY good that comes out of my life!