Everyone says that we aren't supposed to question God and the choices that He makes but I had a real problem with that. Here I was the mother of a dead baby! How "fair" was that!? I was angry!
Can I just be real with you for a few minutes? Thanks! When Elizabeth died, people said some really stupid things. Maybe next time I'll post a list of things you never say to someone who has lost a child. Mind you that I was "un"churched about the things of God. People told us that, "God just needed another flower for His garden." I thought, "What the heck. Let Him make some, don't take mine!" We had people tell us. "God needed another angel and He only takes the best!" REALLY!? I had been told that Heaven was FULL of angel so just WHY did He take mine! Good grief, he had PLENTY! Why MINE!? Oh and some people told us, "You're young, you can have more children!" I thought, "Ya think? You don't know what we went through to have HER!" Everyone was telling us that "God took her" for this reason or that reason. As I sat with my grief I got mad. I thought that God was supposed to LOVE me and you don't TAKE from people you love. I didn't know God very well and frankly, I didn't really want to know Him. He took the daughter that Kiven and I wanted more than we wanted to take our next breath! How could I get to know someone that I didn't even like? How could I forgive him for taking our first born daughter!? I sucked it up and went in search of the answers that ALL bereaved parents want, WHY?
As I lay on my sofa one day thinking of a way to get away from the pain of grief and the ignorance of stupid people, I thought about suicide.. I knew that if I took enough of the pills that I had been given I would just go to sleep and not have to deal anymore... As I thought about it, I HEARD the audible voice of God say, "Do you want to see her again?" I looked around knowing that hubby was at work but knowing that I HEARD a voice! Since the voice was audible, I answered out loud, "Yes." He then said, "This is not the way. Jesus is the only way." That's where my real journey began....
Hubby and I started looking for a "home" church after Elizabeth died. Since we are being honest, I wasn't looking for God. It was answers I wanted; WHY! We visited a big church in our area and it just wasn't for us. It felt very impersonal so we didn't go very many times. We thought we'd try the church that hubby was raised in. I thought that THIS would be were I would find "it!" The people were really nice! I liked it there, in the beginning. There were even two more women that had lost babies so I felt somewhat understood. They were a lot further along in their grief so their anger was long gone. Mine was still fresh and sitting right on the surface. I didn't feel like I was getting the answers that I wanted during the service so I made an appointment to meet with the preacher in his office. He was very nice but seemed to be avoiding my questions by the end of the meeting I still had no answers but I had made a profession of faith and received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I was still mad at God though and still had NO answers! Now my anger and unforgiveness was starting to "convict" me. We didn't stay at this church much longer. I just wasn't getting "it." We didn't go for a couple of years so I still sat with my anger.
A little neighbor boy knocked on my door one day and gave me a flyer that was advertising a church doing a "sidewalk giveaway." It peaked my interest because nobody GIVES anything away. There is always a catch. So I called! The pastor himself answered the phone. That impressed me. The other preachers that we had encountered were way too good to "lower" themselves enough to answer their own church phone. They paid people to do that. Well, I asked about what was going on and he told me. He talked to me for about 20 mins and invited us to church. I let him know that I had some things that they were welcome to, if they wanted. He said sure so hubby took them down. They talked too. We visited that Sunday. I KNEW that THIS was the place that I WOULD get ALL of my questions answered!! This Pastor was TEACHING me. He wasn't preaching to or at me. Pastor was teaching me SO much my head was spinning! He was teaching me about God and how much he LOVES me. How could that be? He TOOK my daughter! WHY would he do that to me? He knew how much it would hurt! He had given His son. He made a choice to give His though, I didn't. In these teaching I also learned that God CAN do all things! I learned that the devil comes to steal, KILL and destroy! Dang it! The devil was the one that responsible for Elizabeth's death not God! I came to realization that God DID love me and that's WHY He gave His son. He gave Him, the sacrificial lamb, so that I could receive forgiveness for all the sins that I had committed and was going to commit throughout my lifetime. He sent His only Son (Jesus, the sacrificial lamb) for me so I didn't have to die and go to Hell. Man, if that isn't love, I'm not sure what is. Forgiveness is a huge word, powerful too. Here are a few definitions for it just so you know.. Forgive means to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) and to give up resentment of or claim to requital for. I had been feeling resentment toward God for "taking" my baby girl!
After I talked with a precious man (Bill Compton, giving credit where credit is due.) one day while doing our church's bus ministry, I realized that I was busy blaming God for what happened to Elizabeth instead of being thankful! Bill is a man, precious as he is, still a man. Not a momma. He started telling me about 9/11 and how God stopped people from going in to work and all the planes that God kept on the ground and all this other stuff that God intervened and DID stop! Then it hit me! God had ALLOWED Elizabeth to die! He could have stopped it! OMW! I realized that I had a whole new WHY now! No he did not TAKE her but he had allowed it! WHY? This question ran around in my head like crazy! Then one day, out of nowhere, I figured it out! I KNEW WHY!!! He LOVES me! That's WHY! Crazy as it sounds, it's true! He loves me! See, He sent HIS son to save us ALL but hubby and I weren't "lining" up. We weren't bad people but we weren't serving Him either. I don't ever remember confessing Jesus Christ. Hubby had as a child. I'm sure that we were on track to bust Hell wide open. The scripture says that you must believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus IS the son God.( Romans 10:9-10 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.) Hear what I'm sayin and not what I'm sayin (thanks Pastor). God sent Jesus (the Lamb of God) for us all but Kiven and I still weren't under the blood of Christ. Truthfully, we weren't even headed that direction. He gave Elizabeth to us knowing that she was going to die. Just as He did when he sent Jesus. Jesus was sent to "do a job" so to say. It was His responsibility to save the us. Kiven and I "missed the boat." I believe with all that I am that God sent Elizabeth (OUR sacrificial lamb) and allowed her to die to SAVE me and Kiven! Had she not died I never would have had to question WHY! It was THEN that I told God that I was so sorry for all the years of blaming Him! It was THEN that I asked Him to forgive me for it! It was THEN that I told Him that I forgive Him! I forgave God for allowing Elizabeth to die! It was THEN that I came to know peace.. THE peace that passes ALL understanding! (Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.)
Please know that I have since come to know that the people that said "stupid stuff" said it out of love, compassion and grief of their own. I have forgiven them too. They meant well and just didn't know whatelse to say. Just know that when you encounter ANYONE that has lost a loved one, no matter what the relation, "I'm sorry for your loss" is enough!
To God be ALL the glory for ANY good that comes out of my life!
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