A Boy.. A tiny baby boy...

I have written about Elizabeth. I have written about my Daddy. I am now gonna write about a boy. A little baby boy, the little baby boy that saved my life.

After Elizabeth died I wasn't sure if we would be able to have another baby, physically or emotionally. Deep down I was afraid to have another baby. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love another baby. I was clinically depressed and had thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't have gone through with it but I did think about it. The pain of Elizabeth's death was just so great and so overwhelming at times... Still is sometimes, even 11 years later.

A boy...
I knew that God created me to be a mother! Elizabeth made me a mother but she wasn't here for me TO mother. We decided to try again. After another, surgery we got pregnant. My pregnancy was a great one. But we knew that the worst could and did happen so we walked on egg shells for a bit. I didn't have a relationship with God but started to believe that He wouldn't allow to go through the death of another baby again. I started to enjoy being pregnant again.  But deep down I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love this baby growing inside me. I loved this baby but I mean REALLY love this baby.. the way I did Elizabeth. I felt guilty for being afraid. This baby was going to need me and the longer I carried him the more I realized that I needed him! Things shifted for me when we had our first ultrasound at Kirkland Clinic. We saw his face.. his beautiful face. My heart smiled! I was in love.. All fear was gone. A new day had come!

Brayden James Massey was born on October 18, 2001. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen! He looked so much like his daddy that nurses came from other floors just to look at him. My OB cried the whole time he delivered him. He remembered, as we did, all that we had been through up to this point. Brayden spent his first 15 hours under an oxygen hood. It was scary too but we knew that our pediatrician would do her best to keep in there and not send him to another hospital. It worked! 15 hours after his birth, he was in our arms. I remember being overwhelmed with love, happiness, joy unspeakable, sadness, anger, grief and so many other things. I missed this chance with Elizabeth but I knew that she played a part in sending this perfect boy to us! He needed me and I needed him. Celine Dion said (sang) it best in her song, A New Day Has Come . This song is MY song.. EVERY word!!

I love you Brayden James Massey! I am so grateful that God chose ME to be YOUR Mommy! I would be nothing without you! God blessed me REAL big with you! Thank you Father!

To God be the Glory!

*Coming soon is Emma's story. Wouldn't want to leave our Princess out. TRULY Heaven sent!*

She made me a momma but would never CALL me "Momma."

When Elizabeth died every hope and dream we had for her died with her. This is not how it was supposed to be! She was supposed to grow up, go to college, get married, have children of her own AND call me "Momma." Now none of this was going to happen. I felt cheated. Ripped off! It just wasn't fair. She made me a momma but would never CALL me "Momma."

I didn't have a relationship with God back then. I felt as though he didn't even care about me at all! But I "prayed" and "prayed." I put it in quotes because I have never been one to do the "Oh holier than thou" type prayer. I just talk to Him, like I talk to everyone else. Anywho, I told God how betrayed I felt. I told Him that I felt as if He just didn't care at all about me or my pain. He certainly didn't care about badly I NEEDED to hear her call me "Momma!"

A while after my "come to Jesus meeting" with God, I went to bed like always, grieving but not "praying." I don't remember going to sleep but apparently I did. I had a dream that wasn't really a dream. It was REAL. I was walking down a long narrow hallway. It was bright. My mother was with me. As we walked I could hear laughter and chattering. It was a little girl. She sounded so familiar. I knew her!! I walked faster. There was an open door at the very end of the hallway. It seemed like to took forever to get there. I could still hear the little girl laughing and talking. When we reached the door, I saw HER! She saw me too! She was standing with a woman that I didn't know. Elizabeth yelled, "Momma" and ran into my arms! I could FEEL her! I could SMELL her! I could HEAR her call me what I had LONGED to hear.. "Momma!" I sat, with her in my arms, on a long sofa that was in this totally white and well lit room. The woman was still there. I still don't know who she was and it doesn't even matter.. She brought Elizabeth to me! I remember hearing my mother ask to hold her. I told her no "because I never wanted to let her go again!" I regret that now. Forgive me Momma. I held Elizabeth for a long time before the woman came to get her. I wasn't sad to let her go this time. I'm not sure why though. I felt at peace for the first time since her death. She called me "Momma!"

Ya know, God did care! He heard my cries! He heard and felt my pain. Most of all, he heard my "prayer!" I didn't know that there was a scripture about getting my hearts desire but there is. Psalm 37:4 says, Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. I'll be honest and tell you that I didn't do much "delighting" in Him back them. But He stirred the pools and I fell in! I am so very grateful! He gave me what I needed even though I didn't deserve it. He is RICH in grace and mercy! I have never forgotten what He did for me!

To God be the glory!
Always Elizabeth's Momma

I have a point! Promise!

I was just on facebook when I noticed that Compassionate Friends, a page that I "like," posted a little something for parents of stillborns, miscarried babies and the like. I went to look at some of the replies. As I did I felt overwhelming guilt for a minute. I flashed back to a time in our local support group, Love Forever & Always*. I remembered that we had a "Show and Tell" night. Sounds strange to you but for us it was/is completely normal. Families were encouraged to bring what they had from their baby's life, blankets, pictures, positive pregnancy test... You get the picture. I was pretty excited but sad too. Elizabeth only lived for nine days so I didn't have much.. Or so I thought. It was Monday night and our turn to "share." I was a little nervous. This was all I had... a box full of stuff.. No baby to show for it, just stuff... I talked about the things in my box, a blanket that still has her blood on it, the outfit that she wore to the funeral home and a little cassette tape that has a recording of her heart beat on it. We had/have many other things too. When done, I felt proud. Then another mother began to "share" her stuff... She didn't have much.. a positive pregnancy test.. GUILT set in.. Her baby died before ever even having a chance to really live... I have miscarried a baby before too. I remember that pain so my heart hurt for her, still does... I felt so guilty.. I thought that I had so little but yet I had/have SO much! God had given me so much.. I had the chance to hold Elizabeth, feel her heart beat on my own chest, I heard her cry, I watched her sleep.. I had/have SO much.. My heart hurts for the mothers that I know personally that never had the opportunity that I did to hold their babies, smell them, touch their tiny toes...

POINT.. See, I have one!
As I sit here today, after reading that post, the guilt tried to come again.. But God, don't you just love that.. BUT GOD, reminded me through His Word that we have the opportunity to see our babies again.. We can have eternal life (Romans 6:23) with our babies in Heaven.. We can have all the hugs, kisses, touches, smells and all that stuff that we didn't get here in this lifetime! It's real easy to choose eternal life with your baby! 1st John 1:19 will get you there! That's just the beginning of your journey to seeing that sweet face again! Reunion is on the way!

Oh and I have decided to not to let the devil guilt me any longer! Don't let him guilt you either! When you think about it.. You got more than some other woman had.. Some never even had the positive pregnancy test.. There is ALWAYS someone with less then you have.. No more guilt devil.. YOU have been put on notice!

To God be the Glory!
Amen!

*Love Forever & Always and it's founders, Bob and Tabitha Murray lost their first born son, Austin Ryan Murray, at the ripe ole age of 10 days. They founded this group out of their love for him and their desire to help others through the pain that they knew/know all too well. They were pivotal in helping to save my life! I am ETERNALLY grateful for ALL that they have done for me and my family! We are Forever & Always connected! Thanks Austin!